Foreword

For me, 2020 was a year of leaps in quality, but it also brought more dissatisfaction. For the world, it was a year of disaster, yet it also revealed more of our humanity.

And 30 days into 2021, I still had no idea what to write, until I saw... https://desirez.tk/2021.html (no longer available)

My Journey

I love snowy mountains and the sea. I love the place where ocean blue meets snow white.

I love the scorching sun and stories. I love the place where pale yellow blends into orange-red.

These colors made my 2020, and the world's 2020, look a little different.

• January 11, 2020: Built my own Hitokoto API. My skills took a leap forward from then on. White
• February 13, 2020: Officially launched the Source · Yan Web Lab. Multicolored
• February 15, 2020: Founded the "Dreams of Youth" organization. Dream-colored
• February 21, 2020: Completed the official website for "Dreams of Youth". Indigo
• February 24–26, 2020: Secured a lot of sponsorships for "Dreams of Youth". Dream-colored
• March 12, 2020: "Dreams of Youth" article collaboration. I published my first blog post themed around Chinese language and literature. Orange
• April 6, 2020: Officially released the CometIcon icon pack. Indigo
• April 9, 2020: Redrew the CometIcon icon pack. Indigo
• April 20, 2020: Released T-AdminTheme version 1.0. Indigo
• May 9, 2020: All images on my blog were lost, and my SEO ranking plummeted to rock bottom. Black
• May 17, 2020: Started rebuilding the blog. Pale white
• May 22, 2020: Renamed T-AdminTheme to AdminMD. Indigo
• May 23, 2020: Blog rebuild completed, lab upgraded. Orange-red
• June 17, 2020: "Dreams of Youth" began building its first forum. The domain was scammed away. Red and black intertwined
• July 13, 2020: Rewrote the Source · Yan Lab, which was renamed Origin Lab from then on. Indigo
• July 15, 2020: Released the final version of the CometIcon icon pack. Due to personal issues, the icon pack could no longer be packaged. Gray
• July 18, 2020: The last update of AdminMD in 2020. Indigo
• September 1, 2020: Back to school. Our homeroom teacher changed back to our old friend — Chinese teacher Xiao. I would soon face the first crossroads of my life. Dream-colored For a long stretch after that, I didn't do much of anything; most of my time was spent studying.
• October 23, 2020: Started building the "Dreams of Youth" forum and registered a new domain. Dream-colored
• October 30, 2020: Completed the "Dreams of Youth" forum — my first work that truly satisfied me. Chinese red!
• December 27, 2020: Released the OriginKWGT widget. Multicolored
• December 31, 2020: On the last day of the year, I updated the final version of my final work of the year, OriginKWGT 1.3, which surpassed 2,000 downloads. Dream-colored

Reflections

Looking at these events, it's easy to see there were setbacks, but also some shining moments.

My skills were upgraded across the board, and the seed was planted the moment I built my own Hitokoto API. It sprouted in the lab and bore fruit in Dreams of Youth.

A lot of things happened in the first half of the year, probably because of the pandemic. I had to stay home, and with nothing to do — I rarely paid attention in online classes — I ended up tinkering with all sorts of things. There were also many small stories I didn't write down, like my battles with QQ on Deepin.

The only thing that drove me to work so hard was the organization called Dreams of Youth.

The word "dream" carries so much weight, and I kept searching for its meaning. As the song "A Child's Heart Chasing Dreams" goes:

Maybe I have no talent

But I have the innocence of dreams

I will prove it with my whole life

Maybe my hands are clumsy

But I'm willing to keep searching

Giving all my youth without regret

Sometimes, dreams just aren't enough to keep me going. That's why I longed for love to come into my life. That was my biggest pain in 2020. I may have loved him deeply and for a long time, but ending that love took only a few seconds — not even a single "no" was said...

Besides that, even my first love didn't end well. He initially told me someone else had confessed to him, and he hoped I'd let him go so he could give it a try. I was naive and kind, so I let him go. It wasn't until a whole year later that I found out it was actually him who had confessed to someone else. The belated green hat left me speechless.

These emotional struggles also caused my grades to slip, and in the end, I decided to shut myself off. The way I express pain may be different from most people's.

For most of the time afterward, I could be described as indifferent to praise or blame. Marx's ideas truly had a purifying effect on me at a higher level, but in everyday life, such thoughts are hard to recall. Only when I'm quiet and alone can I remember them.

After being hurt by so many things, I could no longer think deeply or work on technology. I drowned my sorrows in alcohol every day. When the sorrow faded, I would write many essays about life — starting from seeds, marveling at their tenacious vitality. Later, I wrote about stray cats. Only in my writing could I find the human brilliance I longed for, a brilliance hard to find in reality.

After writing many poems about life, I finally realized how hard-won life is, and I completely gave up the thought of ending it all whenever I couldn't figure things out.

I don't know when it started, but I became someone who couldn't feel sad or hurt anymore. I could only laugh, facing every day with a smile. But sometimes I feel that smile is twisted — like Doma from Demon Slayer, who has no emotions at all, and the smile on his face is nothing but a disguise. But that's just how it is. I tried to stop smiling, but I simply couldn't.

Setting Goals for 2021

Keep this relationship for a whole year (failed)

Study twice as hard

Respect every life

Stop slacking off (failed)

And much more...

I hope that when we meet again in 2022, all of these will be completed without exception!